I will never know how long will God let me stay on this world or how long will I chose to stay on this world. All I know is that I’m losing my strength to go on. These past few years, life has been really rude to me, and people have been a little unfair.  And as my life is getting harder and harder, I found myself sitting in the corner, without a friend, without a home, no one to turn to, and nowhere to go to, no shoulder to cry on, no ears that’ll listen, and no arms that’ll comfort. Nobody knows what I am going through… No one has an idea how much am I suffering… No one has a clue how many emotions I chose not to show and how many words I chose not to say. I chose to smile and laugh hoping that I’ll get used to it and will just forget about the sorrows. My words as well as my silence have always been misunderstood. Yet, I still chose not to speak coz it’s better to say nothing at all than to say things they would never want to hear.

But for once, I’ll say… I AM NOT OKAY.  Never has been for months. I was hiding behind my mask, trying to convince the people around me that all is well.  But when I’m all alone at night and everybody else is sleeping, tears never stop from falling. When I look in the mirror, I see a little warrior with a broken armor, hiding behind her mask, pretending to be strong when everything is going wrong.

If people can read my mind and hear my heart, they would know that day by day, I am slowly dying, but I have to be strong for the sake of the people who care for me. I just wish they’re here… right beside me… I need somebody who care enough to lend his/her shoulder for me to cry on… But seems like there’s no one I can depend on but myself..

At least I have me… better than nothing at all, right? 

I have to hold on and keep in mind that as long as I never give up on myself, the universe will never give up on me.

Valentine’s Day is over, but I still can’t get over from that day’s event. :DD

I went to work that afternoon like it was just another ordinary day. But to my surprise Grandma Dottie gave me a present and a card (How sweet was that! <3). I totally did not see that coming! Really not! I was so surprised and that was really a big of a deal for me. I lost my grandma on my mother’s side when I was 6 and I wasn’t really that close with my dad’s mom. I barely see her actually. So  I was really envious of those who are with their grandmas. Grandparents are like grandchildren’s very best friend. They can share everything (or mostly everything) with them. So when I started working with grandma Dottie, I felt really really happy. I would love to be closer with her but I am exceedingly shy, so I never had a chance to talk to her about random stuffs other than work. Last Christmas, she gave me a card and two movie tickets as her way of thanking me for helping her. (What a generous lady!) Then last Tuesday, she gave me a necklace and a card. And she told me that the necklace will remind me of her. She wrote on the card that she loves me. Isn’t she darling? :) I felt really loved, appreciated and grateful. I was so blessed to meet her and work with her. She’s an angel! I love her!<3

[It’s not because I received a present that I was so happy; It’s because someone showed me that I am appreciated and that someone loves and cares for me despite my weaknesses]

hi! what’s up? :D

Someday, someone will take the blindfold out of your eyes and the earpiece out of your ears. Someday, somebody’s mouth will be unzipped. And someday, the truth will be revealed. When that day comes, you’ll ask me why did I keep it from you for so long. Why did I cover it with lies? But, you’ll never hear a word from me. And you’ll  just see me staring at the ground with my eyes full of tears but keeping it from falling. Then, you’ll tell me, “I told you not to comfort me with your lies. I told you to tell me the truth no matter how painful it may be. And blah-blah-blah…” You’ll say a lot more words until I find the courage to say I’m sorry. At that point, you’ll ask for explanation. But you’ll get no answer… Instead, you’ll hear me say “I’m sorry, I really am sorry…I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t prepared for that. I’ve made a mistake. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you or to ever make you cry. I’m so sorry…”  and tears will finally fall from my eyes, and I will never be able to stop it from falling. You’ll start asking so many questions again.. But you’ll still get no answer. Then you’ll say a lot of words again. and of course, I’ll say nothing but I’m sorry (just like always). 

I don’t have an idea, not even a clue how that conversation will end (if it will ever end). I don’t know if you will ever forgive me. You’ll probably hate me to death. But even so, I’ve always wanted to let you know that I LOVE YOU. I never stop loving you. I never replace you for anyone in this world. I will never do… You may not believed it or you’ll probably think those words are  part of my lies. But no! Those are the most sincere words I have ever told you! 

I want to tell you a lot more things… I want to explain everything… But I can’t find the right words for you to understand.. All I can say is I’m Sorry and I Love You so much even if I never let you feel it…… ;(

                                                                                                  14215212

“Dance with God, and He’ll let the perfect man cut in.”